


Depression.

by GoldenHero



Series: Haikyuu Mental Hospital. [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Altered Mental States, Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Cutting, Emotional Abuse, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, Insanity, M/M, Mania, Mental Hospital, Mind Games, Mind Rape, Panic Attacks, Paranoria, Scars, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death, Waterboarding, dissabilities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-07-16 12:52:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7268959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenHero/pseuds/GoldenHero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama Tobio tried to kill himself.<br/>Hinata Shouyou cannot move without his wheelchair.<br/>Bokuto claws lines into his skin.<br/>Yamaguchi's face is bandaged from cuts and scars. </p><p>They are all not the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Blood.

Act 1- Chapter 1-Blood. 

* * *

 

Kageyama knew that something about him had always been different.

He didn’t smile, he didn’t laugh, he didn’t participate with any of his classmates, no matter how much they pried at him.

Something was wrong with him, no matter how much his mother said that there was nothing wrong with him, he knew something wasn’t right.

Something in his mind was broken, and he had to fix it.

He knew that his classmates never did like him. They didn’t like how anti-social he was, or how much he stayed away from everyone. He was nearly 16 years old, and now, it was as if he had become a blank slate.

His mother had all but given up on him, she looked at his blank face sadly when he passed through the hallways of the house, or was simply around her in the house.

Was she disappointed in him? Was she afraid of him? He didn’t think either that much, and simply ignored her sad glances at him.

He ignored everyone, even himself. He allowed himself to move into his head most of the time at home, letting himself forget what was happening to him.

The isolation had escalated to such a point that one day after all of his classes, he found a small flower on his desk. The classmates around him whispered and hissed to one another as he picked up the flower and pocketed it before leaving to go home.

Flowers on the desk of an alive student meant one thing; I want you dead.

He didn’t care much for who had placed it there, and in fact it gave him sort of a warm feeling in his chest. Maybe now, after all of those years of him struggling to stay alive against the better judgement of himself, he knew the path that he now had to travel on.

As soon as he got home, making sure his mother was still at work, he went into the kitchen and grabbed the biggest kitchen knife they had.

He stared at it for a moment, pursing his lips as his reflection was caught in the blade, his own sad looking face staring back at him made something in his brain catch, hesitant to do what he was about to do.

He shook the thoughts off and walked calmly up to his room, the knife at his side as he walked into his room. He paused in front of his mirror, staring at himself.

His long arms were riddled with scars that he had hidden under jackets all of those years, most of them were layered, and made his arms look as if they had been stabbed with needles, all of them injected into his skin, binding his arms.

“Tobio! I’m home!” Kageyama flinched as soon as he heard his mother’s voice. He held up his arms, pressing the knife into his chest, pressing as hard as the knife would go, piercing his flesh and letting the blood drip out of the slash in his chest.

“Tobio!” The terrified scream of his mother made him look over. She was standing in the doorway, covering her mouth with her hands as Kageyama stared at her.

He let his hands drop to his side, and tumbled backwards onto the floor, the knife lodging more into his chest as his mother rushed over to his limp body, her hands ghosting over his still and bleeding body.

“Tobio!” She sobbed, “Tobio, no!” Kageyama smiled despite the pain, it seemed that he was finally able to feel something after all.

He stayed like that even as his mother called the police and begged him not to close his eyes, to not fall asleep, and yet, he didn’t listen.

He closed his eyes, letting his body run it’s corse of starting to slow down, and soon all he could hear was his heart beat in his ears, slowing steadily as he began to die.

He waited...

And waited...

And waited...

And then, there was nothing but silence.

 

* * *

 

  
“-I can’t believe he’s alive after what happened to him. It’s really a miracle, isn’t it.”

Kageyama’s fingers twitched as he heard the voice of a man. Wasn’t he dead? What was he talking about.. He wasn’t supposed to be alive!

He groaned softly, moving his arm a little to cover his eyes as he slowly opened them. He whimpered a little, his breaths coming in in small huffs of sobs.

“Kageyama!” A voice of the man cried, hands prying his arms away from his face, the bright light of the sharply contrasted with the darkness that he had been residing in for so long.

“You’ve been out for so long!” The man, a tall thin faced man with pale skin and large brown eyes as well as a mop of floppy brown hair that hung in his eyes.

“We were afraid that you wouldn’t wake up, after you were sleeping for so long.” The doctor said, smiling widely, but Kageyama just stared at him before the knowledge slithered into his brain.

“You..” He rasped, licking his lips a little, “you should have let me die.” He croaked, soon finding that tears welled up in his eyes and ran down his face smoothly.

“Why couldn’t you just let me die?!” He cried, trying to jolt up from his space, but a sharp pain in his chest as well as large leather straps held him down forcefully.

He gasped a little, his hands touching his bandages as he shook in pain. The doctor frowned, sitting back a bit as Kageyama slowly regained his breath.

“Son,” the doctor said after a moment, placing his hand delicately on Kageyama’s shoulder, his eyes filled with sympathy.

“I’ve talked with your mother, and she and I both agree that we have to send you to an institution until we deem you able to be.. To be living without another incident.”

Kageyama stared at him, gasping a little. “You’re sending me to an insane asylum?!” He yelled, his volume making the doctor flinch.

“Not an insane asylum really.” The doctor said, pushing gently on Kageyama's chest, “although some of the patients have been diagnosed with sort of mania and insanity-”

Kageyama cut him off with a sob. “There’s nothing wrong with me!” He shouted, covering his ears with his hands.

“There’s nothing wrong with me! Nothing wrong with me! Nothing wrong with me!” He continued to cry, sobbing loudly and fighting as the doctor pressed him back down.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!” He screamed, shaking and punching out at whoever was around him, sobbing loudly until he felt a pair of soft hands pressing over his own that cupped over his ears.

“Don’t scream, Tobio.” A voice whispered to his sobbing voice, soon petting at his black hair, soothing him slowly.

Kageyama breathed hard, shaking badly until the hands combed through his short hair, petting him until he stopped shaking and removed his hands from his ears.

“So this is him?” Kageyama didn’t open his eyes, he was too afraid of what he would find when he did open them.

He whimpered a little and buried his face into his hands, crying quietly as the people talked to each other. He ignored them his best until a hand touched his head again.

“Tobio? Can you look at me?” The voice of a gentle lady whispered, guiding his face to look up to who was talking.

The woman was very beautiful, with long dark eyelashes, deep blue eyes, long black hair and soft skin that seemed to glow under the piercing light of the room.

“No...” Tobio sobbed out a whimper, but the lady continued to gently hush him. “It’ll be okay.” She murmured, “you don’t have to be afraid. We aren’t going to take you to somewhere harmful.” She said, running her thin fingers through his short hair.

“We’re taking you somewhere where you’ll be safe.” She said quietly, pressing a few papers into his hands, “we just have to have you sign these, and then we’ll take you to your new home.”

Kageyama sniffled, looking at the official papers for a moment before he nodded, taking a pen from the pretty lady and slowly writing down his signature on the papers. His body felt heavy, both from exertion of his struggles, the panic attack, and all of his tears.

He sighed quietly, handing the papers back to the lady and laying back in his bed, closing his eyes for a few moments, trying to clear his mind as the voices in the room murmured quietly. He ignored them to his best ability, and let himself drift away into his head for a few moments.

* * *

 

_He was sitting on a large throne, a small crown was on his head and a cape was draped around his body. Before him was a giant chess board, all of the pieces on his side, the Red side, stood still and straight, ready to defend their king._

_On the other side of the board sat a smaller version of Kageyama. He was wearing a middle-schoolers uniform, and was kicking his feet gently against his throne as he hummed softly._

_“Is this really what we must do?” Kageyama asked, breaking the silence. The smaller Kageyama looked up, smiling at Kageyama, although the smile didn't reach his eyes._

_“Of course!” He chirped, grinning now, “it’ll only be for some time! And then we can play again, okay?” The boy Kageyama asked, but Kageyama didn’t respond._

_He looked down at his feet, staring at the abyss that was forming under his throne. That little Kageyama was the voice that tormented him every day, whispered evil thoughts into his mind, and created a space that he could take over whenever he wanted to._

_Kageyama was under his thumb, under the water, under the surface, and the boy Kageyama was going to get through again some day._

_“That day was fun!” The kageyama giggled, jumping from his throne and landing softly on the ground. All of the white pieces were crumbled as soon as his feet touched the ground, ashes and dust was what his fortress was made of._

_It would be so easy to capture the small Kageyama’s fortress, to press him down and away, but Kageyama could never seem to do it._

_That small boy was his Bad Wolf, and no matter the fight, no matter the situation, he always chose to feed it._

 


	2. Tears

** ((TRIGGER WARNING FOR CHILD ABUSE AND FORCED AMPUTATION! IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT, DON’T READ IT.)) **

Hinata groaned softly as he rolled over on his bed, clutching at the soft blankets and pulling them around his small body. It was cold tonight, colder than it had been for a few months.

He curled into a ball, his knees and the stumps of his legs easily curling into his chest as he huddled for warmth under the blankets. It was mid November, and soon they would be giving out warmer blankets.

He hoped.

“Shouyou? It’s time to wake up.” Hinata groaned again as he heard Yamaguchi’s soft voice, his words muffled a bit by the bandages on his face, covering up years of horrible scars and other things that he chose to keep hidden.

“Five more minutes.” Hinata mumbled, rolling over not to face Yamaguchi who simply sighed. “I didn’t want to do this, Shouyou.” He said, and before Hinata could brace himself, Yamaguchi had ripped the covers away, revealing Hinata’s small shivering form.

“No!” Hinata whined, dragging out the ‘o’ for extra effect. He rolled over and pouted at the bandage-clad teen who simply rolled his misty brown eyes. “Come on,” Yamaguchi said, pulling Hinata up by his armpits.

“We have therapy this morning.” Hinata grumbled quietly, but complied, pulling on his uniform shirt and letting Yamaguchi help him with his pants, tying the long ends with a few rubber bands so that they would cover his stumps and keep them warm.

“The pain gets bad when the air gets cold, right?” Yamaguchi asked as he stood up, pulling on his own shirt, a clean grey one with a small insignia on the breast for the four Mental Illnesses that Yamaguchi suffered; Mania, Self-Harm, Depression, and Insanity.

“Yeah.” Hinata said, smoothing out his own patches of Depression, Self-Harm, and Insanity. “I used to have these nice warm packs that I would put on them when it got really cold.” He said, patting the stumps gently.

“Warm packs?” Yamaguchi asked, looking confused, “like foot warmers? ‘Cause we can get footwarmers from Ukai.” He offered, hauling Hinata up and into his wheelchair before strapping him in to make sure that he would fall out at any point.

“Do they last for a long time?” Hinata asked, pressing his hands under his thighs, a spot that he liked to put them often just to sit on them. A sensory thing that always helped him when he was either cold, or hadn’t taken his medication yet.  
Yamaguchi hummed, “I think they do.” He said, opening the door of their room and pushing Hinata out into the hallway where other patients on their floor, Floor 7. He could see Bokuto coming out of his room, followed closely behind by Akaashi who was wrapped in a large woolen blanket and was muttering to himself softly as Bokuto led him down the hall to the Medical Room slowly.

Yamaguchi pushed Hinata in that direction, past door after door after door until they got to a door labeled ‘Medical Room’.

“You ready?” Hinata asked Yamaguchi, looking up at the bandaged boy who nodded a little, taking a deep breath and squeezing the handles on Hinata’s wheelchair before he pushed the door open and walked inside.

Hinata scrunched his nose up at the smell of sanitizer and medicines as he was pushed through the room. Tsukishima was already there, sitting next to Kuroo who was trying to tempt a spoonful of soup into Tsukishima’s mouth, but the thin boy turned his head away.

Hinata could spy a few half-eaten crackers on the table and smiled a bit. Tsukishima wasn’t totally better, but he was healing nicely. After all, he had only been here for a week, and in that first week, he was kept on a PEG tube, the doctors pumping nutrients into his stomach, and hooked up to multiple IV’s that made him look like some sort of tentacle monster.

Tsukishima had been unconscious for that first week, in a Coma that he would wake up out of, but eating solid foods like those saltine crackers was really the best for him. He was improving greatly, just like many of the other patients.

Yamaguchi continued on, pushing Hinata up to the counter where Kiyoko was waiting, a small smile on her face as Hinata’s own face lit up at the beautiful woman.

“Good Morning, Shouyou.”She said kindly, already pulling out his medication from a drawer, handing him the small pills. One was blue, one was pink, and another was a dull green.

Hinata flushed pink, looking down at his lap, shyly speaking, “good morning, Miss Kiyoko.” He squeaked, hearing her giggle softly at his cuteness.

“Good morning, Tadashi,” Kiyoko said, smiling softly at Yamaguchi who nodded a little, even though he was looking a little overwhelmed.

“You may go back to your rooms if you wish, but please remember to drop Hinata off with Takeda .” Yamaguchi nodded, patting Hinata’s head as Hinata gave a small shiver, looking scared.

“Do I have to?” Hinata whispered, clutching at his wheelchair handles, looking up at Yamaguchi who frowned a bit, nodding slightly

“You do,” he said quietly, “but you can have Sirius with you, right?” He asked, suggesting the Mind Palace beast that followed Hinata around in his Mind Palace.

Hinata nodded, looking down at his legs, taking a shaky breath and closing his eyes, trying to imagine the giant dog before him.

“ _ **Why have you called me, Shou?”** _ Hinata looked up, staring at the giant space of his Mind Palace. He hadn’t meant to go into here!

“I-I...I need you to help me.” Hinata said softly, breathing hard as Sirius stepped off of his seat of the planets, stalking forward to Hinata who was floating in space.

“ ** _Is that all?”_** Sirius whispered,lowering his snout so it was gently touching Hinata’s cheek, so that Hinata could almost feel the cool wet touch of a dog's nose.

“Yes.” He said softly, looking straight forward at Sirius who huffed, “very well.” The giant wolf murmured before he shrunk down to his other form, a smaller version of him, as big as a Golden Retriever, but with his same dark fur coat dotted with blue and white stars.

Hinata blinked a few times, and the hallway of the facility came into view, showing off the bright lights, and right next to the wheelchair, walking close by, was Sirius. The giant dog glanced up at Hinata, nodding a little in acknowledgement as Yamaguchi approached the office.

“Ah! Hinata!” Hinata looked up, blinking rapidly as Sirius gave a small growl, his neck fur rising at the sound of Takeda ’s kind voice.

Hinata ignored the dog and smiled at Takeda , swallowing thickly as he nodded to the nurse, wheeling towards the door.

“See you in an hour, Shouyou.” Yamaguchi said quietly, patting Hinata’s head gently before he left, his feet padding softly down the hallway.

“Come in, Hinata.” The tall nurse said, smiling widely as he pulled Hinata’s wheelchair inside. Hinata’s smile wavered a bit as he stared up at him, hearing Sirius snarl he felt a little bit comforted.

Takeda gently carried Hinata from his wheelchair and set him down in his seat before he walked back to his desk, taking out Hinata’s file and looking over the words he had written down.

“I have reports that you told your Nurse that you were having Nightmares again.” He said quietly, and the report made Hinata jolt in his seat, and made Sirius snarl and take a step forward, even though Takeda couldn’t even see him.  
  
“Is it the nightmares again, Hinata?” Takeda asked, his eyes soft as Hinata slowly nodded, his hands balling into fists.

“It’s...It’s my father.” Hinata whispered, his hands cupping at the stumps of his legs. He could feel his breath starting to stutter and squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to disappear into his mind palace again.

Sirius would be mad if he went back in again. He got oddly territorial whenever Hinata visited him more than one time a day.

“Can you see him?” Takeda asked, writing down in Hinata’s file, but Hinata could barely hear him. His ears had started to ring, and it almost felt as if Takeda’s voice was calling to him when he was underwater.

“Hinata? Hinata? Hinata, can you hear me?” Hinata wheezed, his hands digging into the sides of his head as memories of his childhood began to race back to him, tearing through his mind and ripping him apart.

* * *

  
“ _You’re no fucking son of mine,_ ” Hinata gasped at the sound of his father’s voice. Sirius was gone, and he was soon plunged into a nightmarish memory that made him scream, clawing at hands that grabbed his body.

“ _Die, you little shit!_ ” Hinata could practically feel the chainsaw digging into his legs, spraying blood up into the air as the blades hit arteries, soon cutting through the bone, making a horrible snapping sound.

Hinata screamed, tears rolling down his face at the immense pain that filled his entire body, and the laughter of his father’s cruel voice filling his ears was all he heard until his mind went blank,and darkness surrounded him.

He sobbed, covering his eyes as he felt his body grow weightless, the coolness of his Mind Palace surrounding him, and the rough fur of Sirius surrounded him, and the soft hiss of the planet's swirling around the two slowly lulled him into a calmed state, leading him away from his fear and his pain.

“ ** _Don’t be afraid, Hinata.”_** Sirius whispered, pressing his muzzle into Hinata’s hair as he cried softly, letting himself sink into his mind ,and forget everything that had happened to him and that would happen to him.

It would take some time, but he would forget. He could forget. He could do this.

 

" ** _Don't be afraid."_**


	3. Tears

__ Yamaguchi stared at his face, the voices of his peers still echoing loudly in his ears.    
  
The bathroom was silent and cold, it was the middle of the night in November, yet Yamaguchi was only in a pair of shorts.    
  
The air felt thick and cold as he stared at his reflection in the mirror, his large eyes dead looking as he stared over his body, again and again remembering why he was here.    
  
He was imperfect. A scum of the earth, a faggot.    
  
Those freckles, those scars that littered his face, they were to blame for all of this teasing!    
  
If... If only he could get rid of them... Yes, he could do that! If he did- maybe he would get some friends! Maybe people would like him!    
  
Maybe his mother would stop crying at night, and his father might come back!    
  
Yes! This was it! This was the solution!    
  
He rose his hands up to his face and touched his freckles, feeling the skin under his fingers, he began to push.    
  
He found his fingernails starting to dig into the delicate skin of his cheeks, tearing downwards at the skin in angry red lines until at last, the skin began to peel away, and blood dripped down his cheeks.    
  
It stained the collar of his uniform, and as he looked at himself, his cheeks only torn a little, he forced a smile.    
  
He didn't have those ugly fucking freckles anymore, so why did he care?!    
  
He was fucking free from those torturous laughs and the crude behavior of his classmates!!    
  
Why should he care about the pain?! He already hurt enough that he felt numb to it.    
  
And so, in that bathroom, as he picked and peeled at his face and neck and created cut after cut, scar after scar, he started to laugh.    
  
It started off as a small giggle, and then escalated into more of chuckle, until finally he was howling with laughing sobs, salty tears pouring down his cheeks and stinging at the cuts, but he only tore at them more.    
  
He craved it! He wanted it! He wanted all of the pain, he needed it! So he continued to cut, his arms, his legs, his neck.    
  
He didn't stop until his mother came into the bathroom and shrilly screamed at what he had done.   
  
He looked over at her, smiling, and weakly spoke.    
  
"Don't worry, Mommy! They won't tease me anymore!"    
  
And with that, his legs began to buckle, the pain settled in, and he fell backwards, his head crashing against the toilet bowl and splitting.    
  
His vision swam as blood poured out of his body, but he continued to laugh.    
  
He laughed until his chest was dry and his voice was muffled by blood that he spat up, and then, as the paramedics rushed in, one of them nearly puking at the scene.

 

_ His vision went dark and he sunk into the void of his mind, his laughter echoing in the empty hollows of his unconscious, leading him off to horrific places of his sleep. _

* * *

  
  


Yamaguchi gasped as he woke up, his eyes looking left and right as he sat up in his bed. He touched his face, flinching at the feeling of his scarred up face. He felt..Ugly. 

 

He placed his hands back on his blankets, feeling the soft sheets under his hands as he sat still. He felt sick to his stomach from that dream. That memory of what he had done to himself. 

 

He rubbed at his eyes, yawning a little as he swung his legs out from bed. Hinata had to be done with therapy by now, right? 

 

He glanced at the clock on the wall, 11:10, it had been two hours since he had dropped off Hinata. Yamaguchi furrowed his eyebrows. Was something wrong?

 

He stood up and made his way to their shared bathroom, grabbing a roll of fresh bandages before he began to wrap up his head again, hiding all of the scars and bruises and cuts that he had given himself. 

 

It hadn’t just been at that one time, no. It had been over a span of time. His arms, his stomach, his legs, every part of him had the memory of what he had done to himself, because he thought he was ugly. 

 

He shook his head, finishing wrapping up his head before he walked from his room. The hallway was mostly empty, with only Kenma who was sitting facing the wall, talking to Kuroo who laid down next to him. 

 

His body was splayed about, and his eyes were closed. Yamaguchi nodded to Kuroo who blinked up at him, smiling lazily. 

 

Yamaguchi walked past them, quickening his pace when he heard a screech from Takeda’s room. He tore open the door before seeing what had happened. 

 

Hinata was curled into a corner, screaming as he grabbed at his stumps, screaming as Takeda tried to soothe him. 

 

“My legs!” Hinata screamed, “he cut off my legs!” He struggled as Takeda looked up to Yamaguchi, his eyes wide and pleading. 

 

“Get a Nurse!” The Therapist instructed, his voice steady and betraying the fear that he was feeling. 

 

Yamaguchi ran out, racing down the hallway until he got to the nurses room. He began to pound on the door. 

 

“Nurse! We need a nurse!” He yelled, and after a few more seconds Yaku Morisuke burst from the door, glaring at Yamaguchi. 

 

“Where’s the problem?” He asked, and Yamaguchi started to run down the hall again to where Hinata’s voice could clearly be heard, screaming loudly. 

 

“Hinata!” Yaku gasped, pushing into the room and stooping down to Hinata’s level, grabbing onto Hinata’s hand, squeezing it tightly. 

 

“Breathe, Hinata.” Yaku whispered, hugging Hinata tightly, until he stopped screaming and fainted in Yaku’s arms. 

 

Yamaguchi stood by the door, trembling as Yaku looked back up, glaring at Yamaguchi. “Go back to your room.” The Nurse instructed, his lips thin and eyes narrowed. 

 

“Okay.” Yamaguchi said quickly before he turned and ran out of the room back to his room. He suppressed a whimper as he ducked from Tsukishima’s stare. 

 

“Yamaguchi?” The tall boy asked, walking forward as Yamaguchi was just about in his room, looking very afraid. 

 

“H-hello, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi whispered, shivering a little. He had only met Tsukishima a couple of times, and even then, they had barely spoken. 

 

“Where's the shrimp?” He asked, but Yamaguchi just shook his head, trying to go more inside his room. 

 

Just as Yamaguchi was about to close his door, Tsukishima grabbed his wrist, stopping him. “Yamaguchi, wait.” He said quietly, but Yamaguchi broke away from him. 

 

“Not now, Tsukki, please.” He whispered, trying to close the door again. Tsukishima walked into the room, closing the door behind him and looming above Yamaguchi’s now trembling form. 

 

“Stay away from me.” Yamaguchi whispered, his eyes going wide as Tsukishima pinned him to the wall, glaring down at Yamaguchi. 

 

“Why do you wear those bandages?” Tsukishima asked, his hand drifting up to Yamaguchi’s face, touching the bandages. 

 

Yamaguchi flinched backwards, smacking Tsukishima’s hand away. “Don’t touch me!” He yelled, pushing Tsukishima away. 

 

“Help me! Nurse!” He cried, struggling as Tsukishima covered his mouth, pressing him hard against the wall. 

 

“Be quiet!” Tsukishima hissed, his bony hands digging into his shoulder and glaring at him. Yamaguchi whimpered a couple of times, scared into silence as Tsukishima’s hand moved up to the end of the bandage, slowly unraveling the pale stripes. 

 

Yamaguchi breathed hard as his forehead was revealed, the scarred skin for Tsukishima to see. The tall boy touched at the skin, making Yamaguchi flinch. 

 

“Please,” he whispered, “don’t!” his breathing speeding up more as darkness grew around his eyes. He couldn’t see!

 

He couldn’t breathe! Tsukishima was gonna see! He was gonna see him! 

 

He could see shadows appearing around him, the whispers of his classmates rang in his ears as he began to shake in fear.

 

Tsukishima was speaking... What was he saying? He didn’t know...

  
He began to wheeze, he couldn’t see! He couldn’t see! He felt almost as if he dying. He fell forward, and before he could stop himself, the shadows swallowed him up, and he fell into his mind palace filled with angels and cruelty. 


	4. Author's Note-Important! Please Read For Explanation!!

Hi everyone, GoldenHero here! So, it has come to my attention that not all of my writing is perfectly clear, or that it does not portray the correct happenings of a mental hospital, so I have decided to help you out a little bit on the questions, giving answers and such, but before I want to say that none of these chapters are edited. I hope that I’m not sounding annoyed, but I just need some time to get things done, and by done I mean editing every chapter, working on Pet, Jolly Sailor Bold, and other fics that I have written, so please, be patient with me, for I am only one person. 

 

Anyway, off of me rambling and possibly making some people angry/offended, I shall explain some of the things that are happening and answering your questions the best I can. 

 

First, this mental hospital is set in the late 1950’s, although it may not seem like it. Back then, Insanity was the proper term for people with mental illnesses that were similar to it. In fact, most teenagers in this day and age have the same or similar mental stability to Insanity patients in the 1950’s, so, I tried to make it fit. 

 

Second, I know that sometimes I am unable to make the settings and such be clear, but again, that is only because it was and still is my first draft. When I post things onto Archive Of Our Own, I do it without editing because of my excitement with the ideas and possibilities, but often times, feeling so excited can cause me to hit a writers block on all of my stories, or only a few at once. I do have a problem sometimes with making the setting all the way clear sometimes, but I assure you, if I could, I would write it to please everyone. Unfortunately, I cannot do that. 

 

Third, as you may notice, updates on these stories are often times incredibly slow, but I do have a reason for that. I have severe depression, anxiety disorder, ADHD, and Autism that get in the way of letting me live. Sometimes, when I have Anxiety attacks or Autism attacks, I cannot return from them in full, and often times spend two to three days trying to get my mind back together. I try to update as much as I can, but I get scared really. I’m scared of other writers, I’m scared of readers, I’m scared of not pleasing anyone the best I can, and I’m scared that people will be angry at me for not updating or making some dumb decision that makes them or a group of people uneasy. But really, I’m trying my best. I know that mental illness is a huge thing, and maybe I am portraying it horribly wrong, but I wanted to do this all for you because I care about my readers so much, I want to make them happy, and in the end, I end up with emotional and physical scars from stress that I force upon myself, trying to make everything that I write perfect. I want to do the best I can for you, and unfortunately, it does not work out the way.

 

Fourth, going back to the topic of updates, I apologize for them being so short. I try to crank out at least 1000-2000 words per chapter, but sometimes it really hurts to even look at a computer screen, and to even think up words and things to write, so unfortunately, for the time being, until I finish the arcs Hunger, Insanity, Pain, and Delusion, Pet and Jolly Sailor Bold are offline. Soon I will be putting that in the description, but for now, I have to try to concentrate my mind on one thing at a time so I don’t become horribly depressed and anxious.

  
Thank you for listening to me, I apologize if all of this just seems like useless ranting to you, and if I didn’t make something clear, please comment something, anything that are your opinions and such. I really would like to hear them. 


	5. Chapter 5

Bokuto knew he was sleeping. He only could visit his Mind Palace when he was asleep. 

 

The Mind Palace itself was a large courtroom with sloping walls that angled upward into a point, and on both sides, there were large pews, but all of them were empty and covered in dust. 

 

“Bokuto, I see you have returned.” Bokuto looked up, seeing the familiar figure of Akaashi. He looked as he always did, his hair was slightly messed up, his face was pale, and his dark green eyes has bags underneath them that were a dark purple color. 

 

“Akaashi!” Bokuto chirped, jumping up towards Akaashi, smiling widely as he reached up to Akaashi who sat firmly in the judge's seat, smiling a little as he accepted Bokuto’s warm embrace around him. 

 

“I missed you, Akaashi!” Bokuto said, nuzzling into Akaashi’s neck, inhaling his rose scent and feeling very comforted by him, even if he wasn’t exactly real. 

 

“I missed you as well, Bokuto.” Akaashi said softly, kissing Bokuto’s forehead gently, keeping him close as Bokuto felt himself become weightless, a sort of buzzing feeling. 

 

“You’ll be waking up soon, Bokuto.” Akaashi murmured, petting down his soft hair again, keeping him close as Bokuto whined loudly, nuzzling into his chest. 

 

“I don’t wanna wake up!” He whined, “I wanna stay here with you forever!” He complained, but he could feel Akaashi’s chest starting to faintly lower in touch, and soon, he was floating in mere nothingness, the pure engine that was simply Bokuto’s unconscious stirring into his mind as he slowly woke up. 

 

“Bokuto? It’s time to wake up.” Bokuto groaned quietly as he heard Akaashi’s voice. He cracked open his eyes, seeing Akaashi looming above him, his eyes looking incredibly tired. He was shaking a bit, his head and hands twitching. 

 

“Did you sleep?” Bokuto asked, “like, at all?” Akaashi shook his head, his hands twitching more. 

 

“The Red Queen is speaking again.” He mumbled, twitching even more, “the Red Queen is speaking again, the Red Queen is speaking again, the Red Queen is speaking again, THE RED QUEEN IS SPEAKING AGAIN.”

 

Bokuto sighed quietly and gently pulled the shouting Akaashi into his arms, holding him tightly. 

 

“Akaashi, can you hear me? Don’t go into your head again.” Bokuto said quietly, whispering into Akaashi’s ear as he began to wheeze loudly, struggling a bit in Bokuto’s arms. 

 

“Go to your safe space,” Bokuto murmured, rocking back and forth slowly to stimulate Akaashi a bit, soothing him as he started to explain his Head Palace. 

 

“Can you see the owl?” He asked, “do you see him swooping around through the castle halls? The Red Queen is silent,” he said, pulling Akaashi closer to his chest as his shouts slowly dulled into quiet mumbles. 

 

“Owl, owl, owl, owl, owl, owl, owl..” Akaashi started to mumbled, rocking back and forth with Bokuto’s movements, grabbing at the blankets around him, yanking them around his shaking body. 

 

“I’m right here, Akaashi.” He murmured, kissing the top of his head gently. “You’re safe.” He said, pulling the blanket around Akaashi’s trembling form, keeping him safe and warm within the confines of the blanket. 

 

“Owl, owl, owl, owl, owl, owl, owl, owl, owl,” Akaashi continued to mumble quietly, nuzzling into Bokuto’s chest with a soft sigh. 

 

“See?” Bokuto mumbled as he picked up Akaashi out of bed, helping him to his feet. “It’s not that bad.” 

 

He guided Akaashi from the room, nodding to Yamaguchi and Hinata who rolled past, Hinata smiling a little happily and waving a little. 

 

Bokuto smiled a bit back, feeling Akaashi pulling at his sleep clothes, continuing to mumble as he pulled the blanket above his head, snuggling into the warm feeling of the cloth. 

 

“Let’s get you to Oikawa, okay?” He asked, pulling Akaashi along to Oikawa’s room. Akaashi nodded numbly, sniffling a little as his eyes continued to tear up, but he continued to follow Bokuto closely. 

 

Bokuto weaved around patient after patient, keeping Akaashi close to his side. He smiled at the occasional Nurse who nodded to them, almost seeming a little hesitant to let them go. 

 

Finally, after a few more awkward encounters with Nurses, Bokuto could see Oikawa’s door in sight, and already could hear Oikawa’s voice inside, laughing and talking to someone. 

 

“It must be Iwaizumi again.” Bokuto said quietly to Akaashi, and Akaashi simply bobbed his head in a nod, already mumbling ‘Iwaizumi’ to himself. 

 

Bokuto walked on the door loudly, “Tooru! We’re here!” Oikawa’s chatter almost immediately stopped, and after a few thumps of footsteps and things being moved, the small sliding plate opened, and Oikawa’s sharp brown eyes appeared. 

 

“What do you want.” Oikawa hissed, narrowing his eyes at Bokuto, but softened as soon he saw Akaashi. 

 

He closed the sliding panel and quickly opened the door. He yanked Akaashi inside, pulling him onto the floor that was covered in blankets and pillows. Akaashi curled into a little ball on the pillows, sniffling a little as Oikawa murmured to him. 

 

Bokuto watched them for a moment before he turned. “I’ll be leaving Akaashi in your care, alright?” He asked, but Oikawa simply nodded, hugging Akaashi to his chest. 

 

Bokuto bowed his head a little, leaving quickly and walking down the hallway to get his and Akaashi’s medication. 

 

\----

 

Akaashi whimpered as Oikawa held him firmly in his arms. It was warm here, and it made his entire body feel more relaxed than he had been with Bokuto.

 

Although Bokuto could help him through most of his nightmares, sometimes when the Red Queen spoke to him, it became all too much, and he had to get to Oikawa. 

 

Not even his therapist could do anything for him. He was alone in the world that was his mind. He sighed softly as Oikawa held him in his arms, a blanket warm around his thin body. 

 

He didn’t eat much, since he almost always threw it up. It was a side effect of the medication. Even if he had never told any of the Nurses or staff, Bokuto and Oikawa knew that he couldn’t eat more than three pieces of toast for breakfast, and even less than that at lunch and dinner. 

 

Akaashi also knew that Bokuto drew scars up and down his arms when he slept, or when he was having a particularly bad day. No one really knew how to stop it beside binding his hands, but that had only worked for a day before Bokuto had chewed the cloth clean off. 

 

It had happened so many times, Akaashi had lost count. Bokuto was trying to heal himself, but clearly, the process was going downhill. 

 

He had accepted what was happening. He knew that Bokuto and the other nurses had fingured it out, it was a horrible condition that would forbid him from ever living a normal life. 

 

As long as those lines stayed on his skin, he would forever be trapped in this hospital, stuck fighting for his life against his mind, and still, he cared for Akaashi more than anyone else did. 

 

Even with Oikawa, Bokuto cared for him more. Oikawa could soothe him, kissing his forehead and hugging him tight while he screamed, but he never could do what Bokuto had done, and what he was doing. 

 

Oikawa could never hold him at night, pushing away the Red Queen, kissing away the fear that was in his heart. He could never sleep with him, nuzzling his neck and take him around in the morning, wrapping him tight in thick blankets in the morning. 

  
Bokuto was the person who saved Akaashi the most, and now, it was time for Akaashi to give back so much that he had taken away from him. 


End file.
